Thursday, July 19, 2012

Losing My Mind

So, I lost it.  I completely lost my shit yesterday.  All I wanted to do was vacuum the car...that's all I wanted to do.  Could I do it? NO!  Of course not!  Is it really too much to ask that I get some alone time.  Albeit, my alone time is always something that I'm doing for the family and hardly ever for me.  For example, going to Costco, Target, the grocery store, the post office, etc.  And even my "alone time" vacuuming the car was still child filled.  They were in the car at first and then I realized that wasn't going to work, so I let them play in the grassy area right next to the car.  I had to remind them to watch Bean and to not run in the street.  Well, I got about 5 minutes into my zen (I find it oddly relaxing to vacuum...call me crazy) and I had to stop. Turkey was beating Angel with a stick, Angel was leading Bean around by the neck, quite forcefully, then lifted Bean up onto a lamp post and then LET HIM GO!   REALLY?!  I know they are only little boys and they don't understand consequences yet, but COME ON!

OH, and to top it off, my neighbors who live upstairs and catty corner to us were walking out to their car, speaking in Spanish, and I hear "blah, blah, blah, CPS"  I look up and they are all looking at me.  Coincidence...I think not.  Well, my mind starts spinning and I think of all the times I am screaming at the kids and I think to myself that it's been a lot lately, so they have a lot of ammunition.  But then I think, screw them.  They don't understand what I am going through nor do they  know me or my family.  So, yeah, screw them.

I am fully aware of my actions and how I sound.  I also know that I should not be screaming at the kids like I do because it doesn't do anyone any good.  But I also feel like I can't help it.  When the boys start screaming and fighting and not listening, I feel my whole body tingling with annoyance and anger.  I know that other moms go through this.  I know this because I had to have a heart to heart with a friend, only to find out that she is going through THE EXACT SAME THING!  Word for word, we are dealing with the same bullshit.  I do take some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one.  And, no, I did not think that I was the only one going through this.  It's just nice to hear it from someone else.

How come know one talks about this stuff?  I mean, with the sincerity and fervor that this topic deserves?  Why do we tiptoe around how we are really feeling?  Are we afraid of the judgement?  Are we afraid that if we say it out loud, that we are admitting that we are horrible Mothers?  I think if we just admit that it's hard and that we sometimes lose our cool, that we maybe wouldn't be so hard on ourselves and we might find out that other Moms are going through the exact same thing.  You know that saying, 'It's takes a village to raise a child'?  Well, they weren't lying.  It's especially hard on those of us who are displaced from family and are the only caretaker for your children.  I am always in a much better mood when we are back home visiting family.  We have help and the kids no longer out number us.

Don't get me wrong, I do love my children and can't imagine a life without them.  But on those frequently occurring moments when they are being a pain in my ass, I really don't like them or want to be around them. I want to run away and not come back for fear that I will forever ruin their emotional psyche and child like spirit with my own unresolved childhood emotions that I am taking out on them.  And, yes, I know where all my crazy comes from.  I just don't want to impose that on my children.  We all want better for our kids than what we had.  I'm working on my stuff and hopefully I don't screw up the kids too much.






9 comments:

  1. Joanie...you made me cry! First of all you are an awesome mom. You obviously care deeply for your beautiful boys. Second, SCREW those ladies! What jerks! Third, yes! We ALL have times like this and we ALL have our own childhood issues. You are not the only one! I feel like this too often for my liking. Especially with my husbands horrid work hours and trying to keep kids quiet so he can sleep. Thank you for writing this! It helps me feel more normal too! Love the pics at the end! Xoxo

    Julie

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  2. Thanks Julie! It's really hard for me at the moment, but I am working on it. I hope that if other Moms read this that they get a little sense of relief in knowing that other Moms are going through the exact same thing. I think we need to communicate more with each other. Even the ugly stuff that we are embarrassed to talk about, because I guarantee someone is thinking or feeling the same thing!

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  3. Preach on sister! I feel your pain, oh do I feel it. That's why God created wine; little known fact.

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  4. We've all been there, Joanie! We don't have any family by us either, and it's hard when I hear other moms talk about how they get a weekend or even a week to themselves when they drop their kids off at Grandma's. That's just not an option for us. And have you noticed that when you are at your wit's end is when they cling all the more tightly to you (whining and fighting at the same time)? I think it's because it does make them feel insecure when Mom is losing it, but it makes it harder because you just need a few minutes to collect yourself and they are all on top of you! You're a great mom, and it does get easier. Your boys are all still pretty little. They will still fight and drive you crazy sometimes as they get older, but it isn't as constant and draining. Hang in there!

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  5. Thanks Natalie! At least I can look forward to a little bit of a reprieve :)

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  6. I tried to post yesterday, but my phone wouldn't let me. I know I'm not a mom yet, so I can't quite relate 100%. But I do KNOW that what you are going through isn't easy, nor are you the only one who goes through that! Plus with Tommy wanting to go into ministry there is no telling where will end up, so there is a good chance I'll be in that same boat one day! I know one thing that helps the parents of the kids I babysit is they are all a part of a Lifegroup/Bible Study at church for stay at home moms. A friend of mine leads it and they just get a chance to relate to one another and not feel alone (plus they have sitter so a few mins without the kids!). I know they all find this to be a big help! The ones I'm closest to and babysit the most for, both moved here from out of state and that does make it much harder! Wish I lived closer so I could watch them and kick you and Chris out on a date at least once a month! Love you!

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  7. Thanks Nicole! It would be great to have family live closer. I definitely miss that. And if you were here, you wouldn't have to kick us out, we'd be running out the door ;)

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  8. Hi Joanie, we just met and don't really know each other at all, but I can definitely relate. I just wrote a short blog post today about the same thing. I appreciate your honesty. Being honest with ourselves doesn't make is bad mothers. In fact, I think it makes us better mothers. I too am displaced from my family and the only caregiver to my children. I look forward to seeing you again and maybe we can help each other out!

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