So, I lost it. I completely lost my shit yesterday. All I wanted to do was vacuum the car...that's all I wanted to do. Could I do it? NO! Of course not! Is it really too much to ask that I get some alone time. Albeit, my alone time is always something that I'm doing for the family and hardly ever for me. For example, going to Costco, Target, the grocery store, the post office, etc. And even my "alone time" vacuuming the car was still child filled. They were in the car at first and then I realized that wasn't going to work, so I let them play in the grassy area right next to the car. I had to remind them to watch Bean and to not run in the street. Well, I got about 5 minutes into my zen (I find it oddly relaxing to vacuum...call me crazy) and I had to stop. Turkey was beating Angel with a stick, Angel was leading Bean around by the neck, quite forcefully, then lifted Bean up onto a lamp post and then LET HIM GO! REALLY?! I know they are only little boys and they don't understand consequences yet, but COME ON!
OH, and to top it off, my neighbors who live upstairs and catty corner to us were walking out to their car, speaking in Spanish, and I hear "blah, blah, blah, CPS" I look up and they are all looking at me. Coincidence...I think not. Well, my mind starts spinning and I think of all the times I am screaming at the kids and I think to myself that it's been a lot lately, so they have a lot of ammunition. But then I think, screw them. They don't understand what I am going through nor do they know me or my family. So, yeah, screw them.
I am fully aware of my actions and how I sound. I also know that I should not be screaming at the kids like I do because it doesn't do anyone any good. But I also feel like I can't help it. When the boys start screaming and fighting and not listening, I feel my whole body tingling with annoyance and anger. I know that other moms go through this. I know this because I had to have a heart to heart with a friend, only to find out that she is going through THE EXACT SAME THING! Word for word, we are dealing with the same bullshit. I do take some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one. And, no, I did not think that I was the only one going through this. It's just nice to hear it from someone else.
How come know one talks about this stuff? I mean, with the sincerity and fervor that this topic deserves? Why do we tiptoe around how we are really feeling? Are we afraid of the judgement? Are we afraid that if we say it out loud, that we are admitting that we are horrible Mothers? I think if we just admit that it's hard and that we sometimes lose our cool, that we maybe wouldn't be so hard on ourselves and we might find out that other Moms are going through the exact same thing. You know that saying, 'It's takes a village to raise a child'? Well, they weren't lying. It's especially hard on those of us who are displaced from family and are the only caretaker for your children. I am always in a much better mood when we are back home visiting family. We have help and the kids no longer out number us.
Don't get me wrong, I do love my children and can't imagine a life without them. But on those frequently occurring moments when they are being a pain in my ass, I really don't like them or want to be around them. I want to run away and not come back for fear that I will forever ruin their emotional psyche and child like spirit with my own unresolved childhood emotions that I am taking out on them. And, yes, I know where all my crazy comes from. I just don't want to impose that on my children. We all want better for our kids than what we had. I'm working on my stuff and hopefully I don't screw up the kids too much.